I am not taking anyone’s shit anymore. I don’t care who it is, I am not taking it, I am not taking anyone’s attitude. I am not going to be the passive nice cry baby anymore. Well I will probably still be a crier, because that’s the only way that I let my anger out. When I am angry, I cant help but cry, because when I get really angry, there is so much rage inside, I will explode if I don’t let it out somehow. Rather then talk about it, I cry about it. These past few weeks have been full of self-reflection, and trying to figure out what I am going to do with myself. I have to do it by myself. I cant talk to anyone about it, because no one understands me completely. I don’t even understand myself. That’s what I am trying to figure out, why I do the things that I do. Who knows when I will figure it out, my head is so cloudy at times. I guess that is from me smoking, which I really do need to stop doing. It is just an enternal battle. When I tried to quit a couple weeks ago, I was sober for 2 weeks, and I was bitchy and depressed, and it made me hate my job even more, which makes me hate my life. Of course I don’t really really hate my life, I don’t want to die or anything, I just want do be doing something I enjoy. So starting smoking again fucked things up, because now of course Nikki is smoking again, and that means her chance at being electrician is pretty much fucked. I can be such a stupid selfish bitch. But I didn’t force her to smoke, I just whined until I got some. And now its going to start the vicious cycle all over again. Why cant I just get shit straightened out in my life? Why cant the right answers just be there, easily obtainable? All I know is that I cant handle anymore bullshit.

Work sucks. Ive been sitting here doing nothing for awhile now. I am working on 2 files that i cant finish because they are missing stuff. So I am doing nothing for the remainder of my lunch, and then after that, who knows. I guess i shouldnt complain because i could be busy as hell, working late and whatnot. But still i would like to finish these files, i want to do as many as i can so i can make extra money. And boy do i need the extra money. Even though i got my august 15 check, which was a decent amount of money at first. Then i started spending it, and it started dissapearing rapidly. And now i have hardly anything. Less than $100 to last me until next wednesday. What is my freakin problem? Ill tell you my problem. I am a pot head. Weed costs too much money, and i find myself spending most of my money on weed and cigarettes. Now im gonna be really screwed because i have my $140 car ins. payment to pay next month, i have to get nikki a birthday present, and i have to contribute to my sisters baby shower. Its way depressing when i think about how much money i dont have. I really like smoking though. Especially after spending all day in this cubicle working on the computer, doing loan packages. It is so frustrating though that all my money gets spent so fast and i have nothing to show for it. Its a constant internal battle. Now finally the part of me saying "its time to quit you focken pot head" is getting much louder. Its gonna take a bit a will power though.

I havent posted on this forever. I havent really written any kind of entry in a journal or diary in a long time. Maybe I should because i do seem to think alot.

First off my 17 year old sister will be having her baby, Aiden, in October. I am going to be an aunt... yay yet... nervousness. My sister is an emotional roller coster, i dont know how she will be able to handle such a big responsibility. She has never really had major responibilities. She got away with everything with my dad, and she isnt very disaplined. So now she will be having a bouncing baby boy in 3 months.

Ive been trying to quit weed for awhile now. I quit for like a week or two, then get mad cravings, and cave in, influencing nikki to cave in too. And the main reason we are quitting is because Nikki needs to try and get this electrician job, and they definetly drug test. She thinks they hair folicle tests, and drugs stay in your system there, up to 6 months. And now that we are just officially quitting again, its going to be about 5 months until her drug test. Im can be such a selfish bitch. Weed is what calms me though. Its my prozac. Its not good for me, and it makes me broke, but its what relieves my stress. And I know I need to quit, not just for nikki but for myself. Its an enternal battle. The stoner me vs. the responsible me. Ill feel horrible if nikki fails her drug test. I love her and I really do want her to exceed, especially if it means shes bringing home more money.

So I got a new car. A 2005 blue chevy cobalt coupe. Its hella sweet. The best part is that i dont have a loan. I have a hella sweet granny. And there goes my inheritance. But still, I love the car, and I need a new car. I did love my lil 90' civic, but the cobalt is so much prettier. Costs an arm and a leg to insure though.

Other then that, nothing really new going on. I turned 20 last week, finally no longer a teenager, and 1 year away from gaining the rest of my rights.

Work sucks. But with that comes more money. I made my bonus this month, so the august 15 check i will be bankin it. Wish i could do something I love. The mortgage buisness was never my choice career. It was there out of convience and definate luck, and a hella cool mom. But I just like the pay and being able to wear what i want. I could use more pay of course, wish i could get a mortgage one day for a house, so i can stop throwing my money away on rent.

I think thats it.

Maybe ill write in this one day again soon... maybe not though. I wouldnt hold my breath.

Bolt Journals are back....

http://www.bolt.com/journals/page/theragewithin

So since that has been my journal since 2001 or something, thats where my journal will continue to be.